Monday, September 20, 2010

Brief Summary

During my teenage years, I don't think my parents really knew what to do with me. I think if they knew that there were places to put out of control teenagers (detention centers, group homes for at-risk adolescents, probation) like there are now, they would have done it. I was constantly grounded, and I was constantly rebelling against the rules. I acted out sexually, and I snuck out of the house practically every night. I became a pyromaniac (a person who is obsessed with fire), and I made horrible grades in school. I even ran away in high school and took the car for a week. I had an attitude of not caring about anyone or anything, but that was the furthest from the truth. I just couldn’t be honest about it. I didn’t think my parents loved me, and I certainly didn’t think they wanted me. That feeling comes from being adopted at the age of 5, and not really feeling like I was really a part of the family. I mean, how COULD they love me? I wasn’t biologically theirs. I was horrible in every way possible, but what I didn’t understand, was that my parents loved me unconditionally. No matter what I did, they were still there. I think I pushed their limits just to see if what they were telling me was true. As far as I was concerned, their lives probably would have been better if I had never been part of the family. Or so I thought.

As I got older and I wasn’t so controlled by my parents, I had a lot of boyfriends who were not good for me. I sought out men/boys who I thought needed saving. I was too giving and too trustworthy, and because of those traits, I was raped and I was with men who either physically abused me or mentally abused me. Both are not fun to live with. I didn’t think I was worth anything better, so I continued to go down the same path with every single person I met. I sabotaged myself constantly. I even tried suicide on several occasions, but was too chicken shit to go through with it. What I did do however, was get attention. Maybe that’s what I wanted all along. Negative attention is still attention, is it not? I wanted people to see me, even if what they saw was dark and ugly.

I stayed in college far longer than I should have, because I wasn’t ready to face the real world. I had jobs that started off well, but then I would slack off and would have to quit before I was fired. I married a man whom I thought I loved, only to be divorced 10 months later. It wasn’t until I moved far away from my comfort zone to another state, when I realized that life could be better, and it was up to me to make sure that life happened.

IT WAS UP TO ME. Do you understand that sentence? It wasn’t up to my parents, or my friends, or my ex husband or anyone else to make me feel better. I was in control of my destiny, and I was the one who was screwing it up. It was about time I figured that out.

I moved far away and I found some wonderful friends and an amazing man to whom I am now married.  We have two beautiful children, and I am in the process of finding out if I have been accepted to Graduate School to get my Master's in Social Work.  My life is good, but it isn't perfect.  It's a daily struggle but I have the support and love from important people in my life. 

The time is now for you. Don’t wait until you’re 30 years old to understand this message. Do it now. Do it for no other reason, but to make yourself feel better. If you get nothing else out of this story, please remember one thing. You have the power. Knowledge is power. You are the only person in the world, who can make your life the way you want it to be.

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